Ruin Page 18

  I allow myself to indulge in it. Until I know it’s time to let go.

  “I should clean up,” I tell him.

  He stares down at me for a beat and then says, “Stay there.”

  When he pulls out of me and goes to the bathroom, it’s like the spell is broken. Reality is back with a vengeance. And it’s like a cool chill over my skin.

  I’ve just slid my legs over the side of the bed when he appears again in all his naked glory with a cloth in his hand.

  He steps up to me and presses it between my legs, cleaning me. Then, he leans down and gives me a soft kiss on the lips.

  If he notices that I don’t respond to his kiss, he doesn’t say anything.

  He takes the cloth back to the bathroom. And, this time, when he returns, I’m on my feet, gathering the rest of my clothes from the floor. I’ve already got my bra and panties back on.

  He stops by the bed and stares at me. “Were you even going to say good-bye before you left?” The sarcasm in his voice is evident, and it hits my spine like a hot poker.

  “Don’t be an ass, Zeus. You knew that us having sex wasn’t going to change anything.”

  “Yeah. But I didn’t expect you to fuck and run.”

  “I’m not fucking and running.” I frown. “I’m just going back to my room. I didn’t want to fall asleep in here and have our daughter find us in bed together in the morning. I don’t want to confuse her.”

  “Fine,” he says stiffly.

  He walks over to where his clothes are. He gets his boxer shorts and puts them on.

  Then, he walks out of the room.

  I put the rest of my clothes on and leave his bedroom.

  I find him standing in the living room in the semidarkness. His back to me, he stares out the window. I see the bottle of beer I got for him earlier dangling from his fingers.

  “Zeus…” I say, feeling like I need to say something, but I’m cut off before I can say any more.

  “Good night, Cameron.”

  His tone brokers no conversation, and honestly, it’s a relief because I didn’t actually know what I was going to say to him. I was just going to wing it.

  I walk away and go into my and Gigi’s room, quietly closing the door behind me. I don’t even bother brushing my teeth. I just undress and pull on a clean nightshirt. Then, I climb in bed beside my baby girl, who has starfished out in bed, taking up most of the room. Nothing new there.

  I lie on my back and stare up at the darkened ceiling, wishing for answers that just won’t come.

  It’s clear that I can’t stay away from Zeus.

  But I can’t be with him either.

  A silent tear of frustration runs down my cheek. I brush it away with my hand.

  I’m such a mess.

  And I fear that I’m just going to keep messing things up further. Because, when it comes to Zeus, I have zero control. And zero sense.

  The man is my weakness. My downfall. My ruin.

  He always has been.

  And it seems that he always will be.

  Gigi’s sleeping. Aunt Elle is downstairs, going over some case files. And I’m lying on my bed with my earbuds in, listening to music on my phone. Currently, P!nk is in my ears, telling me I need to “Try.”

  Maybe I do. Try to get Zeus out of my head and heart.

  The asshole.

  We got back from Disney World yesterday. And things have been difficult between us since we slept together that night.

  Not so much that Gigi has noticed. But I’ve definitely noticed.

  Clipped responses. Looking right through me like I barely exist.

  It’s not…nice.

  Truthfully, it’s annoying the crap out of me. He knew it was just sex. I’d told him that. He’d even repeated it back to me, for God’s sake!

  Yet he’s pissed that I, what? Didn’t cuddle after sex?

  Because that wouldn’t have given him the wrong idea, would it?

  Ugh. I’m angry with him for being angry with me. He has no right. I’ve done nothing wrong.

  Right?

  So…why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like the shittiest human being on the planet right now? And why is it annoying me so much that he’s ignoring me?

  Because you love him, you idiot.

  If I’m being honest…the thing that’s bothering me most is what happened when he was here earlier…well, more like what I saw.

  Zeus was upstairs, putting Gigi to bed and reading her a story, like usual.

  I was tidying away Gigi’s shoes that she’d left scattered all over the hall.

  Zeus’s cell was on the hall table, next to his car keys. I wasn’t snooping, but his phone started ringing. I glanced at the screen and the display said, Mindi Calling.

  Not gonna lie. I felt a stab of jealousy, knowing some woman was calling him.

  I quickly brushed it off because she could be anyone. A friend. Someone who works in the boxing industry.

  Then, his phone beeped a text a minute later.

  I’m in NY for a few days. You wanna get together? It’s been too long since I’ve had you inside me. ;)

  Yep. No mistaking that.

  He got a sext. While he was upstairs, reading a bedtime story to our daughter.

  Mr. I Want You Back is sexting with this Mindi chick, and I want to stab myself in the eye with a blunt instrument. And throw up.

  Screw him.

  I didn’t say anything to him when he came downstairs. Of course, he didn’t say anything to me.

  Just picked his cell and car keys up and left without giving me a backward glance.

  Probably going to ring Mindi and meet for sex.

  Mothereffing asshole.

  I Googled his name along with Mindi’s, and I got some hits.

  Mindi Warrington is a pretty blonde pro tennis player that Zeus has been linked to on occasion. The last news story on them was five months ago, according to the date on the entertainment website. They were spotted entering a hotel together.

  My cell phone screen nearly cracked, as I was pressing down on it that hard while reading.

  I hate him. And her.

  Well, I don’t hate her. It’s not her fault that Zeus is a gigantic ass. Who came here and invaded my life. Turned everything upside down. Promising me the earth. All the while, he’s been sexting with Mindi, the perky tennis player.

  Screw him.

  Asshole.

  He doesn’t get to treat me like this. He doesn’t get to come here with his insincere declarations, making promises of forever, while he’s got another woman on the burner.

  Ugh. I hate that he’s turned me into a psychoanalyzing nutjob.

  I yank my earbuds out and jump off my bed. I start pacing my room. Anger is pulsing through me.

  I’m sick of him messing my life up.

  I want him gone.

  He can see Gigi. But I don’t want to see him ever again.

  We can set up an arrangement where he sees Gigi without me having to see his face. Maybe then, I’ll finally be able to get over him.

  Yeah, good luck with that.

  No, I can do this. I’m gonna go see him to tell him exactly how it’s going to be.

  I pocket my cell and leave my room. I look in on Gigi.

  Fast asleep.

  I jog downstairs. I find Aunt Elle at the dining table, case files spread out on it.

  “Hey, I need to go out for just a short while. You okay to watch Gigi? She’s sleeping, so she won’t bother you while you work.”

  She looks up from her reading, smiling. “Of course I am. And Gigi could never bother me. You know that.” Her eyes focus in on my face and line with concern. “You okay?”

  I realize that I’m tapping my foot with restless energy. I stop. “Yeah…I just need to talk to Zeus.”

  She nods but doesn’t say anything, and I appreciate that.

  “I won’t be long.”

  “Take as long as you need.”

  I grab my car keys and leave the house.<
br />
  On the short drive to Zeus’s, Little Mix’s “Nobody Like You” plays in my car, the words pricking at my heart.

  I pull up outside his apartment. Get out of my car and walk the short distance to his door.

  Reaching it, I ring the bell. Then, my brain decides to work.

  What if he’s not here? Or worse…what if Mindi’s here?

  Shit. I really didn’t think this through.

  God, I can be irrational at times.

  I need to get out of here.

  I step back to leave when the door opens, and he’s standing there, wearing dark gray trackpants slung low on his hips and a fitted black T-shirt. His hair is damp, like he just had a shower.

  What if he just got out of the shower because he got all sweated up from having sex with Mindi?

  “Hi,” he says.

  I note a hint of caution in his tone, and pain leaks into my chest. My hands clench up into fists, nails biting into my skin.

  “Are you alone?” I blurt out.

  His brows come together. “Currently? Or in life?”

  “Funny. I mean, do you have someone in your apartment right now?” Specifically, in your bedroom.

  Eyes holding mine, he slowly shakes his head. “Nope. Just me here.”

  “You sure?”

  He glances over his shoulder before looking back at me. “Yep. You wanna check?” He steps aside, widening the door.

  “No.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yep.”

  There’s a beat of silence. Then, another.

  “Did you come here to just check if I was alone?”

  “No.” Kinda. I brace myself, spine straightened, arms by my sides. “I came to tell you that I don’t want to see you anymore. Of course, I would never stop you from seeing Gigi. But I can’t be around you anymore. It’s not good for me. You’re not good for me. So, we need to figure something out regarding Gigi, whether it be Aunt Elle is there when you collect her or…I don’t know. But we need to figure out something because I don’t want to see you anymore.”

  “Says the woman standing on my doorstep.”

  “I came to tell you this.” I frown.

  “You could have called me.”

  True.

  “Yeah, well, I’m not you. I don’t do my dumping over the phone.”

  It’s his turn to frown. “I didn’t know we were together for you to dump me.”

  “Look”—I hold a hand up, stopping us before we start—“I didn’t come here to verbally spar with you. I just came to tell you that we need to make other arrangements, so I don’t have to see you every day.”

  I hear the chatter of people nearby, and I glance over my shoulder, but I don’t see anybody.

  “Come inside,” Zeus tells me.

  I don’t argue because I don’t want our business to be public knowledge.

  I walk into his living room and stop by a wooden cabinet that has some of his boxing trophies on it. I turn around to face Zeus, who’s standing across the room from me. I lean my ass against the cabinet and wrap my arms over my chest.

  “So, what do you say?” I ask.

  “No.” He folds his arms over his huge chest, mirroring me.

  “No?” I echo.

  “That’s not going to work for me,” he says.

  “What?” I blink.

  He drops his arms and walks closer to me, lids lowering over his darkening eyes. “I said, that’s not going to work for me.”

  “Well, this isn’t about you and what works for you!” I throw my arms up in the air. “It’s about me! And I thought you’d be happy that we wouldn’t have to see each other. You’ve been ignoring me since Disney World.”

  “I didn’t handle it well. I was hurt. And I guess I thought that maybe, if I cold-shouldered you for a few days, it might make you realize a few things.”

  “Like?”

  “Like…you still love me. That you want to be with me.”

  I realized that days ago. That’s not the problem.

  “You were playing games?”

  He shakes his head, his eyes never leaving mine. “Fighting for you, Dove.”

  “Yeah, well, why don’t you save your energy and stop fighting for me and go see Mindi, your perky tennis player? You won’t have to fight at all for her, if her text was anything to go by.”

  Fucking fuck. Me and my big mouth.

  “You read my text?” He doesn’t seem angry. More like amused.

  And that annoys the hell out of me.

  “I saw it by accident.”

  “Mmhmm.” He’s nodding. A smile playing on his gorgeous lips. Lips that I could quite happily punch right now.

  I’m feeling irritated and jealous, and I want to hurt him.

  “Have you had sex with her since you’ve been with me?”

  His smile drops, anger diluting his features, and I keep going because I know I’m getting the desired effect. And, also, because I don’t care right now.

  “Because I want to know if I need to get tested, considering you and I have had sex without a condom—twice.”

  His jaw tightens. “I get physicals on the regular, including tests for any diseases or infections, but you already know that. And the last time I had sex before you was about five months ago, and I’ve been checked since then. I always used condoms on the rare occasions that I had sex with other women. You’re the only person I’ve ever gone unprotected with. What about you?”

  I rear back. “What about me?”

  “Well, you were screwing Deputy Dick. Maybe you still are. Did you use condoms, or do I need to get myself tested?”

  I’ve never hit anyone in my life. Never. But I want to hit him right now.

  But I won’t. Because that’s not who I am.

  But I am a bitch. And I will hurt him in other ways that I know I can. Rightly or wrongly.

  Not taking my eyes off Zeus, I reach behind me and grab one of his boxing trophies. Then, I throw it at the wall to my left with all my might. I hear the crack as it hits the wall and then the thud as it drops to the floor.

  “Feel better?” he asks without a shred of emotion.

  “No,” I snap.

  “So, break them all.” He lifts a shoulder, taking a step toward me. “Tear the whole fucking place up, if it’ll make you feel better. Do whatever you need to, so we can get past this and move forward.”

  I let out a bitter-sounding laugh. “You just don’t get it, Zeus. There is no moving forward because I can’t forgive you!”

  The next thing I know, he’s in front of me, grabbing my face in his hands. “There has to be because I love you so fucking much.” The raw emotion in his eyes and voice tears at me. “I know you love me, Cam. I know I’m not alone in this. We’re the real fucking deal. Our love is what most people spend a lifetime searching for and never find. Don’t throw us away, please.”

  “I didn’t throw us away,” I whisper brokenly. “You did.”

  “Fuck, Cam.” He presses his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Just forgive me, please. Because I can’t spend my life without you.”

  He’s surrounding me. His scent, his heat, his emotion.

  I can barely breathe, let alone think straight.

  I step out of his hold, needing space.

  His hands drop to his sides. His head lowers. He looks beaten.

  I wrap my arms around myself. “Did you text her back?” I whisper.

  His eyes lift to mine. “Yes.”

  A sound of anguish escapes me.

  “I told her that my circumstances had changed,” he’s quick to say. “I said that I couldn’t see her anymore.”

  I resent the relief I feel. “Why?”

  “Why do you think?”

  I lift my palms up.

  “Because I’m not available, Dove. I haven’t been since I was seventeen years old.”

  A pained laugh escapes me. “Yet you had sex with her five months ago.”

  “You slept with Dep
uty Dick.”

  “Because you left me!” I yell.

  And, around and around, we go.

  Zeus drags his hand over his head and down to the back of his neck, and he sighs. “I was lonely,” he says quietly. “I was trying to fill the void of you. Not that it ever worked. But that’s all it ever was. All it ever could be. Because I could never get over you.”

  The longing and aching in his eyes is too much for me to bear.

  I turn away and walk over to the now broken trophy. I crouch next to it and pick it up, instantly realizing which trophy I broke.

  His first ever boxing trophy.

  God, I’m a terrible person.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, standing back up, holding the two pieces in my hands. The boxing glove has broken off. The boot is still attached to the base. “Do you have glue?” I ask. “I can try to fix it.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “No, I should be able to fix it,” I continue. I lift it up, turning it over to see if the glove will reattach.

  Something flutters out of the boot, falling to the carpet. Ticket stubs. Putting the trophy down, I bend down and pick them up. It takes me a few moments to realize what they are. And, when I do, my eyes flash to Zeus’s, which are carefully watching me.

  “Are these…” My mouth feels like cotton is stuffed in it. I swallow roughly and try again. “Are these the ticket stubs from the Ferris wheel ride? The first one we went on together?”

  He nods, not saying a word.

  “I didn’t know you’d kept these…all these years. Why?”

  He walks over to me. “Because they signify the moment I fell in love.” His hand lifts to my face, and he tucks my hair behind my ear. “That smart mouth and those long legs…I never stood a chance.” He smiles gently. “I kept those tickets to always remind me of what I had in case I ever forgot.”

  “You did forget,” I whisper, tears filling my eyes.

  He shakes his head. “I never forgot, Dove. I just let other things get in the way. I won’t make that mistake again. Now, tell me you love me. And that you forgive me. And that we’re gonna make this work.”

  I want to say yes. Knowing that he kept those ticket stubs for all these years has loosened something inside me. But, still, the fear of giving myself over to him and getting hurt again holds me back.

  “I just…I ca—”

  “Don’t say you can’t.” He presses his fingertips to my lips, silencing me. “Just…let me show you something first. Then…decide.”